There I was… 19 and pregnant. Not married – and apparently, not invincible like I thought I was.
The few days after I found out I was pregnant went by in a bit of a blur… I went to work. I made a doctor’s appointment to start prenatal care. I started envisioning my life with a child – as a mother. I found that the dread that I originally felt slowly start to melt away into anticipation, excitement even. I could do this – lots of women did.
I remember telling just a few select people who were close to me, and while everyone was surprised, they were all supportive and excited for this new addition to my life. I even asked a friend of mine who was just about to wrap up medical school if he would deliver my baby – he said yes, of course.
The more I thought about it, the more I could really envision my life with a little one. It certainly wouldn’t be easy to raise a child on my own, and I had no idea what I would actually be doing, but I felt I was ready for the challenge. I had (and still have) a family who loves me and would support me through anything, so I would have help if I needed it. I didn’t have all of the answers, but I thought I had enough answers to move forward.
The next big step was to tell the baby’s father – someone who I wasn’t dating at the time – but who I had a strong relationship with in the past. The first conversation went OK. I didn’t really expect anything from him, nor did I want anything from him. I just felt that he had a right to know what was going on. He was in shock, just as I was at first, and then he shifted into “responsibility mode”. He said he would certainly help financially, but he wasn’t in any position to really be active in the baby’s life. Again I didn’t have any expectations from him at all, so I was OK with this.
I think it’s worth noting that I shouldn’t have been OK with him not wanting to take part in the baby’s life. I certainly didn’t get pregnant on my own, so I should have expected involvement. All too often, women take full responsibility for pregnancies (amongst other things) and don’t require anyone else involved to participate or take responsibility for their part. That is not OK! The other reason that it’s not OK is that the baby deserves to have a father in his or her life. All too easily, I was ready to give up my child having his/her father in his/her life to avoid conflict or inconvenience – and that’s simply not fair!
The second time we talked, his tune changed. His shock and responsibility had turned into denial and “fix it” mode. He said that couldn’t have a child and he couldn’t be involved in any way. My mind started to spin at that point and I don’t really remember much more of that conversation – but I do remember telling him that if he really felt that way then he’d have to figure out how to “fix it” because I didn’t want any part of it.
Later that evening my phone rang. It was him and he had figured out a way to “fix it”. He made an appointment for me at a local abortion clinic for 2 days later. I hung up the phone feeling numb, helpless, hopeless. I went through the next day completely numb. I don’t remember a single thought that crossed through my mind – I probably didn’t even have one.
The morning of the appointment he picked me up at my apartment and drove me to the clinic. He handed me a money order for the amount of the abortion and cash for a cab ride home. I didn’t speak a word to him. I didn’t even look at him. I knew I didn’t want to be there. I knew it was wrong. I didn’t even believe in abortion…right?
Needless to say, I didn’t tell anyone. Even though there were a few people who were close to me who knew that I was pregnant and supportive of me, I couldn’t bring myself to talk to any of them. The excitement that I started to feel had vanished instantly. I didn’t know what to do. The sad part is that now I know exactly why. Satan had a grip on me during that time. He used the circumstances to bind me up in desperation and confusion. I can now recognize that the Holy Spirit was urging me to just stop – stop and think, stop and talk to someone, just stop. But I didn’t. My pride was bigger than my circumstance and I couldn’t jeopardize my reputation or my future to let anyone else in to help me. I was stuck in my own pride, my own shame, my own circumstances…
For anyone who is experiencing anything like this, I urge you – I plead with you – please, talk to someone. People in your life care about you more than you know and WILL stop to help you. I WILL stop and help you – contact me privately. The circumstances may not be the best, but you CAN get through this. There are so many options – just stop and talk to someone. I wish I had…
What I’ve learned:
- The deceiver was fully at work in this situation, taking advantage of every emotion to influence my actions.
- The Holy Spirit was urging me to simply stop and listen to Him.
- The phrase “emotional roller coaster” is a pretty accurate description.
- My self-esteem and emotional state was so frail at that time in my life that I allowed one person to shatter the joy I had found in my circumstance.
- I made the decision to allow him to drive me to the clinic. I made the decision to walk into the clinic.
- Have you ever made a poor life decision?
- What consequence(s) did that decision lead to?
- Did you talk to anyone about your next steps or did you try to conquer it on your own? Why or why not?
- How did this poor decision lead to other poor decisions?
- Have you ever allowed anyone to make a decision for you? Why?
- How did it alter your life?
- Did you or do you blame other people for the decisions that you have made? Why?
- Could you or should you have made a different decision?
- What could you have done differently in that situation?
- Did you or should you have asked for help? If not, who could you have trusted in your circumstance?
- Do you see the influence of the deceiver in your situation?
- What would have been different if you had listened to promptings of the Holy Spirit?
- Is there anything going on in your life right now that you need to stop and listen to the Holy Spirit and seek His guidance? Who can you ask for help?
- What does He want to say to you? Will you listen?
If you need prayer or a listening ear, please contact me privately – I will be a prayer warrior for you.