My Mess, His Message

Archive for August, 2015

The Cover Up

The days following my abortion consisted of lie after lie after lie.  There were a handful of people who knew that I was pregnant – and now I wasn’t pregnant anymore.  I needed a story – a good story.  I certainly wasn’t going to tell people that I had an abortion.  I couldn’t let people know I had done something so horrible.  I could hardly even admit it to myself.

It had to be an accident of some sort.  That’s when it came to me – I would tell people that I had a miscarriage.  It was the most believable idea I could come up with.  No one would suspect me of any wrong doing (other than finding myself an unwed pregnant teen, of course) and I could still maintain my “sweet little angel” image.  As usual my pride was ruling my life and I wouldn’t let anyone see the ugliness that I harbored on the inside.

Note to those women who have experienced a miscarriage: Please allow me to apologize for the lie that I chose.  I under no circumstance share this to make light of your experience – I have seen the heartbreak and devastation that it causes. I share this as part of my story in the spirit of full disclosure and naked exposure of my sin.

So that’s what I did.  I told the people who knew I was pregnant that I had a miscarriage, spent a day “in bed” and then went back to work the following day.  Little did I know that oftentimes when you miscarry, it is a much bigger event than being confined to bed for a day.  It’s no wonder that I got a lot of weird looks from people.  Thank God they didn’t ask any real questions about details – I would have had no idea how to answer them.

As time went on, a few people found out the truth.  My roommate found the (physical) recovery medication that the doctor prescribed me.  I told my best friend several years later (who never even knew I was pregnant, by the way).  I told one of my brothers one evening, thinking that I had already told him the truth when I really hadn’t – sorry for the surprise!  And luckily enough I was smart enough to tell my husband while we were dating – I didn’t want to enter our relationship with that kind of secret looming in the background.

It wasn’t until over 10 years later that I truly acknowledged this sin before God.  I knew that He would forgive me, but yet I couldn’t bring myself to even face the truth of what I had done, much less talk about it to anyone else.  I hid and ran away from the guilt I felt at every corner.  I couldn’t face one of those “Choose Life” billboards that you see on the side of the road – I always turned my head in shame.  I loved, loved, loved my friends and family’s little ones, but I couldn’t allow myself to even think of having my own child one day.  I had a super hard time even holding new born babies at times – which my friends always got a kick out of, but never understood why.  All of this – and more that I’ll share as my story unfolds – followed me for so many years until I was willing to bring this before God.

He did forgive me.  He went even further than that and restored me – He has provided healing to my hurting soul.  And He can and will do the same thing for you, too, if you ask Him to.  Turn away and repent from the sin that separates you from the Father and fall on your knees before Him.  He wants nothing more than to forgive, provide healing and restore you back to Himself.

(I’ll share more about my recovery journey in future posts, but know there are a host of resources that are out there.  I would be happy talk with you about any of them – contact me privately.)

It wasn’t until after I went through my recovery journey that I was brave enough to tell my parents what had happened.  I really felt strongly that as a part of my recovery I had to tell them.  I was so nervous to sit down with them – my husband can tell you!  I knew they would be empathetic towards me, but I got so much more than that.  Both of my parents embraced me and held me tight and then my mother looked at me and said, “He will never leave you nor forsake you”.  In that moment, I saw the love of Jesus Christ in my parents – drawing in the repentant sinner.  I knew that was God telling me that He would never leave me nor forsake me and my mother telling me that she and my dad wouldn’t either.

I truly wish I had told my parents as everything was happening in my late teenage years.  I didn’t understand the love they had for me at the time and so I was scared to tell them – scared to disappoint them.  The truth is that they would have loved me and supported me through the entire situation.  And I’ll be bold enough to say that if I had, I believe I would have a son right now on this earth.  I can’t image the blessing he would have been to my life.

If you are in this situation today, please, please talk to someone.  You don’t have to do this alone.  You don’t have to believe the lies that this world would have you believe – that you have to make the decision to abort or that no one can love you if you have a child or that an abortion won’t harm you at all.  There are people around you who would give anything to help you through your situation – whether it be a parent, a sibling, friend or even someone at a pregnancy center.  Talk to someone – you can even contact me privately if you like.

I had the hardest time understanding how I went from a straight ‘A’ student who loved to be involved with her church as a young teenager to a young woman who rebelled, partied, got pregnant, and chose to abort her baby.  The truth is that it’s really easy.  If you don’t guard your relationship with the Father and guard your heart – if you accept the things of this world so freely and rationalize all of your compromises – it can be really easy to end up in a place that you never expected, nor planned to be.

Jesus tells us, “but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved.”  – Matthew 24:13

What do you need to guard yourself from today?  How can you protect yourself?

What I’ve learned:

  • I have made several decisions over the course of my life to maintain or create a “sweet little angel” perception. The secular image people had of me was most important in my life.
  • I made several bad decisions in order to facilitate the lie.
  • The initial lie was created in a desperate, emotional, God-denying state.
  • I shared the truth when I felt like I had no other option – I had been “caught” or I didn’t want a relationship based on lies.
  • Even though I did my best to maintain my “sweet little angel” image, my Heavenly Father knows the truth. He knows of my actions, my decisions and my cover up – and He still loves me and forgave me, after repenting to Him and turning away from further sin (though it’s always a battle and I still screw up).
  • I did not guard my heart the way I should have to protect my relationship with God or to protect my innocence as a youth.

Refining Time:

  • Have you ever created a “cover up” for an action that you took or decision that you made?
  • Think about the circumstances surrounding your action or decision. What led up to it?
  • How many lies did you have to tell to cover it up or create the image you wanted others to see?
  • Who did you lie to?
  • How has this lie (or lies) affected your relationships?
  • How can you allow the Holy Spirit to lead you in reconciling this lie in your life?
  • How can you allow the Holy Spirit to lead you in reconciling this lie in other people’s lives around you?
  • What do you need to do to guard yourself from the lies and hurts of this world?

If you need prayer, please contact me privately – I would love to pray for and with you.

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