After the initial cover up of my abortion (which you can read about here and here), I did my best to get my life back to “normal”. I went right back to the lifestyle that I had been living up to this point. You’d think that I would have learned something through all of this (which I ultimately did), but I did such a good job of ignoring and hiding it all that I was able to go on living unaffected – or so it seemed.
Nothing really changed for me. My job and my friends stayed the same. I still went out with my friends, drank, smoked and kept my personal boundaries somewhat “flexible”. I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life.
After about a year, my oldest brother and I decided that we’d leave town and move to Austin, TX. We both loved the city and had friends there. At the time I was working for a state bank that had a presence in Austin, so I was able to relocate and keep my job. It was awesome!
My brother and I found a great apartment to share and my new life in Austin was sure to be incredible! I made lots of new friends through my job, I had a few friends who already lived there and I was meeting people through my brother. My social life was skyrocketing!
Happy hours were a regular occurrence, dinners out were a must during every weekend and then dance clubs, dance clubs, dance clubs. I was having the time of my life! Only one thing was still missing… My relationship with God.
There were a few times that I felt like I needed to get back on track with Him and so I’d visit a church or two. I could feel deep down in my soul, in my bones, that I needed God back in my life. He had been such a big part of my life as an adolescent that I was feeling empty without Him. (That probably explains why I was dating, drinking and smoking the way that I was.) I’d attend for a few weeks and then I’d just stop. I’d find something I didn’t like about the church or a small group wasn’t inviting enough, so I’d just stop. I’d go right back to the party life that I was familiar with and felt so at home with.
The bars and people I met there were always so inviting. I didn’t realize at the time that everyone I met had their own agenda. Guys wanting a hookup, girls wanting a group to hang out with so they could meet other people… And to be honest, I had my own agenda, too. I wanted to be accepted – that stronghold followed me from my childhood (you can read about that here).
I dated a little here and there – and there was even one relationship that got pretty serious. I was sure that I would end up marrying him. We dated for about 2 years. But then something started to develop and pull us apart. Aside from some of the relationship being long distance, I started to react very badly whenever I felt like I was being told what to do.
It didn’t matter what it was about – it could have been (and often was) just a “be careful” and that would set me off. I would scream and yell and often hang up the phone when the conversation wasn’t over. I remember one visit where I just couldn’t even be in the same room with him, so I left and went to a friend’s house. I wasn’t quite sure where all of this came from – where this deep emotion and rejection stemmed from at first.
It took me some time to figure it out, but here’s the best I can come up with. The last time that a guy I dated told me what to do resulted in me taking the life of my baby. I’m not blaming him – I made the decision – however I’m pretty sure that I held on to some deep resentment of his wanting me to “take care of it”.
I wonder if I somehow equated my boyfriend at the time to the father of my baby and when he would tell me what to do I heard the voice of my ex…? I don’t know for sure – but what I do know is that was the period of time that I really started to notice some results/consequences/changes in me that I know stemmed from my abortion.
I wasn’t an angry person before my abortion, but I slowly became one. I wasn’t a nasty person to others, but slowly I became one. I even found myself getting more and more reckless when I would go out and drink. I don’t even know how I made it home some nights.
THAT IS NOT OK!!
The point I’m trying to make is that slowly (maybe even not so slowly) I started to change after my abortion. People try to tell us that there is no risk in abortion and that you won’t remember anything and it will be a fleeting memory – but that is far from the truth. The truth is that the further I tried to hide from it and bury it, the more and more it started to have a presence in my life in one way or another.
THE SAYING THAT “YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN’T HIDE” IS SO, SO TRUE! I RAN FROM MY PAST. I BURIED MY PAST. I HID MY PAST. AND MY PAST STILL MADE ITSELF PRESENT IN MY LIFE.
Sometimes I wonder how my life would have been different if I had stuck with any of the churches I tried then – if I would have pursued my relationship with God any harder. I don’t know the answer, but I can bet that I wouldn’t have struggled as much as I did with my anger, resentment, and the hurt that I tried to hide.
If you’ve had a hurt in your life and haven’t fully turned it over to God, please take the opportunity to do it now. Reach out to Him. Take a minute and call out to Him. Repent of the sin you’ve committed and turn your face to Him. Allow Him to work in your life. He will forgive – He will heal – He will restore you. If you need a safe place to talk, please contact me privately. I’d love to be a friend to you.
I wish I had done that during the years following my abortion. Instead, it would still be many years before I would allow God into my situation to fully heal me.
In the meantime, I continued to live my life – having as much fun as I could and trying to find Mr. Right. And then there was the day when I finally did…
WHAT I LEARNED:
- I can run, but I can’t hide. My past will always make a presence in my life until I take the time to deal with my sin and my hurt.
- I continued to let pride rule my life, seeking acceptance above all else – including God.
- The further I hid and buried my pain and my secret, the more it impacted my life and started to change who I was.
- The past sin that I hid affected my relationships, and even destroyed some.
- What sin and/or hurt have you buried to try to forget it?
- How has that sin/hurt affected you?
- How would your life be different if you allowed God to heal you?
- What steps do you need to take to allow God to heal you?
If you need prayer, please contact me privately. I would love to pray with and for you. God bless.