My Mess, His Message

After the initial cover up of my abortion (which you can read about here and here), I did my best to get my life back to “normal”.  I went right back to the lifestyle that I had been living up to this point.  You’d think that I would have learned something through all of this (which I ultimately did), but I did such a good job of ignoring and hiding it all that I was able to go on living unaffected – or so it seemed.

Nothing really changed for me.  My job and my friends stayed the same.  I still went out with my friends, drank, smoked and kept my personal boundaries somewhat “flexible”.  I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life.

After about a year, my oldest brother and I decided that we’d leave town and move to Austin, TX.  We both loved the city and had friends there.  At the time I was working for a state bank that had a presence in Austin, so I was able to relocate and keep my job.  It was awesome!

My brother and I found a great apartment to share and my new life in Austin was sure to be incredible!  I made lots of new friends through my job, I had a few friends who already lived there and I was meeting people through my brother.  My social life was skyrocketing!

Happy hours were a regular occurrence, dinners out were a must during every weekend and then dance clubs, dance clubs, dance clubs.  I was having the time of my life!  Only one thing was still missing…  My relationship with God.

There were a few times that I felt like I needed to get back on track with Him and so I’d visit a church or two.  I could feel deep down in my soul, in my bones, that I needed God back in my life.  He had been such a big part of my life as an adolescent that I was feeling empty without Him.  (That probably explains why I was dating, drinking and smoking the way that I was.)  I’d attend for a few weeks and then I’d just stop.  I’d find something I didn’t like about the church or a small group wasn’t inviting enough, so I’d just stop.  I’d go right back to the party life that I was familiar with and felt so at home with.

The bars and people I met there were always so inviting.  I didn’t realize at the time that everyone I met had their own agenda.  Guys wanting a hookup, girls wanting a group to hang out with so they could meet other people…  And to be honest, I had my own agenda, too.  I wanted to be accepted – that stronghold followed me from my childhood (you can read about that here).

I dated a little here and there – and there was even one relationship that got pretty serious.  I was sure that I would end up marrying him.  We dated for about 2 years.  But then something started to develop and pull us apart.  Aside from some of the relationship being long distance, I started to react very badly whenever I felt like I was being told what to do.

It didn’t matter what it was about – it could have been (and often was) just a “be careful” and that would set me off.  I would scream and yell and often hang up the phone when the conversation wasn’t over.  I remember one visit where I just couldn’t even be in the same room with him, so I left and went to a friend’s house.  I wasn’t quite sure where all of this came from – where this deep emotion and rejection stemmed from at first.

It took me some time to figure it out, but here’s the best I can come up with.  The last time that a guy I dated told me what to do resulted in me taking the life of my baby.  I’m not blaming him – I made the decision – however I’m pretty sure that I held on to some deep resentment of his wanting me to “take care of it”.

I wonder if I somehow equated my boyfriend at the time to the father of my baby and when he would tell me what to do I heard the voice of my ex…?  I don’t know for sure – but what I do know is that was the period of time that I really started to notice some results/consequences/changes in me that I know stemmed from my abortion.

I wasn’t an angry person before my abortion, but I slowly became one.  I wasn’t a nasty person to others, but slowly I became one.  I even found myself getting more and more reckless when I would go out and drink.  I don’t even know how I made it home some nights.

THAT IS NOT OK!!

The point I’m trying to make is that slowly (maybe even not so slowly) I started to change after my abortion.  People try to tell us that there is no risk in abortion and that you won’t remember anything and it will be a fleeting memory – but that is far from the truth.  The truth is that the further I tried to hide from it and bury it, the more and more it started to have a presence in my life in one way or another.

THE SAYING THAT “YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN’T HIDE” IS SO, SO TRUE!  I RAN FROM MY PAST.  I BURIED MY PAST.  I HID MY PAST.  AND MY PAST STILL MADE ITSELF PRESENT IN MY LIFE.

Sometimes I wonder how my life would have been different if I had stuck with any of the churches I tried then – if I would have pursued my relationship with God any harder.  I don’t know the answer, but I can bet that I wouldn’t have struggled as much as I did with my anger, resentment, and the hurt that I tried to hide.

If you’ve had a hurt in your life and haven’t fully turned it over to God, please take the opportunity to do it now.  Reach out to Him.  Take a minute and call out to Him.  Repent of the sin you’ve committed and turn your face to Him.  Allow Him to work in your life.  He will forgive – He will heal – He will restore you.  If you need a safe place to talk, please contact me privately.  I’d love to be a friend to you.

I wish I had done that during the years following my abortion.  Instead, it would still be many years before I would allow God into my situation to fully heal me.

In the meantime, I continued to live my life – having as much fun as I could and trying to find Mr. Right.  And then there was the day when I finally did…

WHAT I LEARNED:

  • I can run, but I can’t hide.  My past will always make a presence in my life until I take the time to deal with my sin and my hurt.
  • I continued to let pride rule my life, seeking acceptance above all else – including God.
  • The further I hid and buried my pain and my secret, the more it impacted my life and started to change who I was.
  • The past sin that I hid affected my relationships, and even destroyed some.

REFINING TIME:

  • What sin and/or hurt have you buried to try to forget it?
  • How has that sin/hurt affected you?
  • How would your life be different if you allowed God to heal you?
  • What steps do you need to take to allow God to heal you?

If you need prayer, please contact me privately.  I would love to pray with and for you.  God bless.

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