My Mess, His Message

The Day I Took a Life

DISCLAIMER:  This post contains some very emotional and graphic detail about what happened next in my story.  There will be some parts of this that are disturbing to you – and believe me – they are disturbing to me as well.  I couldn’t even make it through writing this article without tears.  As always, I will remain true to my story and share what the Lord is leading me to reveal.

When I walked through the doors of the abortion clinic, the reception area looked like any other doctor’s waiting room – except it wasn’t…  It was more like a “screening” room.  The real waiting room was on the other side of a door and tucked away from the general public, – only accessible once you’ve been confirmed as having an appointment.

When I walked through the door to the actual waiting room, I remember my heart beating so fast that it felt like it would come out of my chest.  Would these people know why I was there?  Would they know what I had done?  Of course they would…  They were there for the same reason I was.  I looked around and noticed that I wasn’t the only woman there (as I naively thought I would be).  There were several other women and (unlike me), some of them had someone with them – a mother, a boyfriend, a friend.  Then there were some who were alone – just like me.

After filling out some paperwork, they called me back into the “counseling” office.  I think the counseling session took all of 5 minutes – if even that long.  They asked me if I was aware of all of my options – keeping the baby, putting the baby up for adoption and abortion.  I confirmed that I was aware of all of them.  I was then asked if I was sure that I wanted to go through with the abortion.  I said yes – even though I knew that the answer should be “NO”.  My heart was already fighting the decision I was making – my soul longed for this baby.

It was then that they had me sign another piece of paper saying that I had been “counseled” (if you can even call it that) and they gave me a Valium.  This was to help with the pain during the procedure.

By the time I made it back into the waiting room, I could feel the drug starting to take effect.  Until then, I had felt like I was walking in a daze, watching myself walk through the door of the clinic, filling out the paperwork, looking at the other women who were waiting to do the same thing I was.  Now that I had taken the Valium, everything went a bit fuzzy – yet I can remember such detail.

After everyone had been counseled, the nurses called all of us women to line up at another door in the back.  We were escorted in a single file line out of the building through a courtyard, into another building just behind the first.  This is where the procedure would take place.  I remember feeling like I was floating, not walking to the other building – like I didn’t have control of my own body.

I was escorted into a procedure room and helped into the medical chair.  As the person who was attending me was preparing the equipment, I remember looking to my left horrified.  I wasn’t alone.  There was another chair with another woman sitting just a few feet away from me.  I couldn’t believe that they would perform two procedures at the same time, in the same room.  It makes me sick and saddened to this day.  How could they be allowed to do this!?  As if the procedure wasn’t enough torture, how could they allow a second one to take place just feet away?  At the very least, surely there were sanitary concerns… right?

The nurse gave me a pillow to hold on to.  I remember wondering what it was for and then I knew…  Once the machine was turned on, there was a shot of pain through my body.  I let out a scream that I hadn’t expected.  I think I expected everything to feel like a fog – just like the last couple of days had been.  But it wasn’t a fog.  The machine made a buzzing noise and while I couldn’t feel everything that was happening, I could certainly feel the pain.  The pain of a life being ripped from my body.  The pain of my body screaming for my baby.

Then the machine went silent and I was led to another room – yes, they made me get up and walk after the procedure.  I was helped into a recovery chair where I slept for about an hour.  After I woke up, they made an appointment for me to come back in about a week to make sure they had “gotten everything”.  I couldn’t believe that was even an option – that they hadn’t “gotten everything”.

When my taxi arrived, I was escorted out the back door of the clinic – literally in the alleyway.  I was so ashamed.  As if the trauma of the procedure wasn’t enough, they had to shuffle me out the back door, like a secret they were trying to keep.  I remember wondering if the taxi driver knew what I had just done.  Of course he did – he had just picked me up at an abortion clinic.

After I got home, I hid the medication that the clinic had given me in my bathroom and crawled into bed.  I didn’t come out for the rest of the day.

I couldn’t face what had just happened.  Did I really just have an abortion?  Did I really just take the life right out of my own body?  Why didn’t I say “no”?  Why didn’t I take just one more day to think about it?  Why didn’t anyone stop me?  Where was God?  Why didn’t He stop me?

The truth is that God was there.  Every time my heart told me to STOP or to say NO, that was God nudging me, pushing me.  The whole day, when I thought I was alone, I wasn’t – He was there.  God watched as I defied what I knew to be right.  He watched as I defied Him.  He watched as I made the biggest mistake of my life – one that I can’t take back.  He gave me free will and this is what I did with it.

If you are facing this decision, PLEASE don’t do it.  I implore you to talk to someone – someone who truly loves you and will help you figure out what the best option is for you.  If you don’t have that person, talk to me – or your local Christian pregnancy center.  No one tells you the truth about abortion – about the emotional pain and anguish that the should-be mothers go through, the grief that can follow you through life.  Take it from someone who has been there, it’s excruciating – even when you try to hide it and just go on with your life.

The good news though is that if you have a similar story to mine, there is Hope.  Jesus Christ came to this earth and gave His life for the sins you’ve committed.  He died so that you can live – truly live!  By asking for His forgiveness, accepting Him as Lord and Savior and turning from your sin (in obedience to Him), He will wipe that sin away.  Then, His beautiful plan of restoration can take place in your life.  Take it from someone who has been there – He saved my life and gave me back the joy in it.  

Men, you aren’t excluded or forgotten here.  The pain of abortion can be just as traumatic for men as it is for women.  If you have abortion in your past, you need the same healing and restoration as our precious women.  

If you want a safe place to talk, tell your story or ask questions, please private message me.  I want nothing more than to help you find the healing that only He can provide – the healing that He generously gave to me.

I love you, dear sisters and brothers.

What I’ve Learned:

  • I instinctually knew what I was doing was wrong, and I know that God gave me those instincts.
  • Pride stopped me from asking for help and talking to someone – that is not something that comes from the Father.
  • Even when I tried to blame the father for this brutal decision, the decision was mine.  I walked through that door.
  • I was never alone.  God was there with me every step – I simply ignored Him.
  • The decision I made that day can never be undone. I chose to take a life.
  • I should have talked to someone.  There are so many people in my life who love me – I could have and should have trusted them.
  • The emotional pain, turmoil and baggage I gained that day can be taken away.  I can be healed, I can be restored – through the love and promise of Jesus Christ.

Refining Time:

  • What decision(s) in your life cannot be undone?
  • How have you blamed others for your decision(s)?  How can you take ownership of your decision(s)?
  • How has the emotional baggage from your decision(s) affected your life?
  • What can you do now to begin the healing process?
  • Who can you trust to help you?  Who loves you and would do anything to help you?
  • Have you turned to God to help you?  Is now the time?

If you need prayer or a safe place to share your story, please contact me privately.  I am and will pray for you.

To God be the glory.  Amen.

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Comments on: "The Day I Took a Life" (5)

  1. Michelle said:

    Thank you for being so courageous and sharing this part of your life. God certainly turns ashes into beauty, both of us are proof of that.

  2. […] the initial cover up of my abortion (which you can read about here and here), I did my best to get my life back to “normal”.  I went right back to the […]

  3. Malia Lydia said:

    It’s wonderful that you have found some resolve in your decision; However, others make the same choice with much thought and without reservation. My abortion at age 16 was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made, but I knew immediately (without hesitation) there was no other option. I had an abusive, manipulative, and unsupportive mother, an absent father, aloof siblings, and a toxic boyfriend (who also came from a sorted family). Realistically and logistically speaking, a child could not thrive under such circumstances. If you’ve ever been in abusive relationships and around toxic and manipulative people, then you can certainly understand why it wouldn’t be ideal to raise a child in that type of environment. Moreover, I wasn’t equipped to be a mom at the time. I deeply struggled with depression, a personality disorder, and the conflict of wanting “out” – whether that was through suicide, college, marriage, whatever. I wanted out and away from all of the pain I felt at home. I couldn’t stand the thought of bringing a baby into the mess I called “life”. So I, too, sat in the room alone. I was called back first and had the procedure done, alone. I was wheeled into a room, alone. I went home and went to bed, alone. It was emotionally draining – to think about the baby, what it would have been like, the gender, the name, the hugs, the kisses, the milestones. But deep inside I knew my home life was awful and how tragic it would have been if I were to utter the words, “I’m pregnant” to my mom. She probably would dictated every move I made with the child — granting me very little, if any autonomy to raise the baby in the manner I saw fit. I couldn’t let her control this child or cause him or her the same pain. I couldn’t let this child see me struggle with my mother. So again, while it wasn’t an easy decision, I knew without a doubt that I had no other choice. When I look back to that time, I feel my stomach turn — I don’t know of any woman who loved having an abortion. I don’t know of any woman who felt it was the easiest choice they have ever made, and left the clinic in high spirits. However, I do know women who felt relieved, who felt justified, who felt safer, who felt like this was their chance to change, who were happy they had a choice.

    I understand the elephant in the room is adoption, but again, my fear of my mother nullified that option. I couldn’t tell her. She could never know — because the second she knew, that baby was forever in our family. I wouldn’t have a choice in the matter.

    The purpose of this response is not to bash you. I’m happy to read that you have found healing and restoration! The purpose of this response is to offer another perspective to your audience. These situations are extraordinarily dynamic and never black and white. There are many variables to consider and costs/benefits to weigh. It is a ethical decision just as much as it is a personal one. Can I give a baby the life they deserve? Can I support them, keep them safe, and provide them with all of their basic needs? Can I teach them what they need to know and put their needs ahead of my own? Am I ready to do what it takes both financially and emotionally to be responsible for someone else?

    I sincerely thank you for sharing your story and providing an opportunity for others to share, too.

    • Malia, Thank you for sharing your story! I know that it takes a lot to get to the point where you can share and talk about your experience with others.

      I am so sorry to hear about your circumstances both before and after your abortion – that must have been extremely difficult for you. And it is exceptionally difficult to do it alone.

      There are many reasons why women (we) make the choices that we do and so many different reactions/outcomes to those decisions – so many that we never anticipate.

      Thank you for your willingness to share and for your bravery.

      I’m an open book and an open door if you ever want to connect – and please, feel free to drop by and comment on this blog anytime!

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