My Mess, His Message

Disclaimer:  The emotion shared here may upset you – it is not the most socially acceptable emotion to the circumstance.  This is also not the most socially acceptable circumstance.  In an attempt to be true and honest to my past  I will not alter or omit for social acceptance.

Exhilarating!  Fun!  Carefree!  This is how life is supposed to be as you enter adulthood, right!?  Oh it was for me!  As I graduated from my teen-hood to adult-hood, I was living life as it was intended – going out to dance clubs, hanging out with friends (especially boys), having a little drink here and there, and a job to pay for it all.  That’s how it worked, right?

My story is no different from many people’s:  I graduated high school (a semester early – OK so that’s a little different…), returned home from college (to attend my own high school senior prom – OK so that’s a little different…), I got a summer job (and moved to Alaska instead of going back to college – OK so that’s a little different…).

Hmmm…

Well, I did some things that were certainly consistent with many people:  I prioritized fun over just about everything else, I drank alcohol for fun, I went to night clubs to dance the night away and I found myself in promiscuously compromising situations – more than once.

Just like many 19 year olds, I thought that as long as my parents didn’t know what was going on, it’s OK.  I can’t really get in trouble anymore – it’s not like they could ground me or anything – we didn’t even live in the same town.  I was careful – I never hurt anyone.  At least that’s what I thought.  I had no clue the damage I was doing to myself and my future relationships.

In the winter of 2000, I was cruising in my white 1980s Ford Taurus down a main street in Lubbock, Texas.  I was belting out whatever awful song was on the radio at the time when it hit me.  I had no explanation why it hit me then or there, but at that moment I knew.  I didn’t have any sickness or pain.  I didn’t have any symptoms.  I hadn’t missed a cycle, but I knew…

I drove straight to the closest Walgreens and bought a test (a 2 pack to be exact).  I remember avoiding the eyes of the clerk – I was already embarrassed and ashamed – as if he/she could tell that I had done something I shouldn’t have.  I then drove straight home in silence with what I can only imagine was a deer in the headlights expression on my face.   I darted upstairs to my bathroom and took the test.  It confirmed what I already knew – positive.  Uh-oh.  Just to be sure I took the second test the next morning – yep, still positive.  Still uh-oh.

Of course then I did what anyone in my situation would do.  I lied and called in “sick” to work and had my roommate drive me to a local pregnancy center where I took yet another test.  Still positive…  I think they tried to talk to me about my “options”, but I don’t really remember.  All I can remember is seeing the “positive” result on the piece of paper they handed me and knowing that my life was about to change forever.

I was in such an emotional fog that I don’t remember what transpired over the remainder of that day, but I do remember the feelings of confusion, dread, anxiety, shame and shock that accompanied me everywhere I went.  What had I done?  What in the world was I thinking?  Oh boy… Now everyone will know the kind of lifestyle I’ve been living.  What on earth am I going to do?

What I’ve learned:

  • I was not invincible as we often think we are, especially at a young age.
  • Actions do have consequences/outcomes, even if they are not apparent at the time.
  • The decisions I made and the actions I took were shaping me as a young woman.
  • Just because my parents don’t see me and can’t ground me doesn’t mean that my Heavenly Father isn’t watching what I do.

Refining Time:

  • What decisions have you made throughout your life that have shaped who you have become?
  • What consequences/outcomes have you experienced as a result of your decisions?
  • How do you live your life today? Are you still invincible?
  • What consequences/outcomes can you expect as a result of how you live today? Do any of these consequences/outcomes affect others?
  • Would you live differently or make different decisions if you knew that your Heavenly Father was watching you? How so?

If you need prayer, please contact me privately – I would love to pray for you.

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Comments on: "Sometimes You Just Know" (2)

  1. Paula Barcel said:

    Love reading your stories.
    You have a very large talent for writing
    You should think about summitng to our daily bread or the radio show Unschackled

    Hugs to you two!!
    Have an amazing day!

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